Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Tuesday is today

I have been lying to my family, husband, siblings and close friends. I have been pretending that I am okie. In reality I am not. My body aches like crazy. I can hardly walk moy of the time. My migraine is at it's worst now. I have held back all those pains I have been going through. Half an hour ago, I confessed to my father, hubby, sister and Tata. None of them have replied my SMS. That is why I kept it all a secret. Because I know that they will ignore me. Because that do not know what to do with me any more. They have given up. And so have I. I did make the right choice by battling this alone. I can't depend on anyone anymore without feeling depressed even more. YES I AM ALONE in this. Taking one Xanax perday to calm myself ,  not for me to sleep. People take half to sleep the whole day. While I take one whole pill to stay CALM. All the money in the world cannot bring back my self esteem. I am looking at the world differently now. Way different than before. People envy me because I am on MC alot. Well I vet they do not get envious over the pain and aches I go through. I have to really push myself to wake up and get out. My GP said I should excercise more, but I ended up falling down (no one knows this) I can't walk alone because I'll get dizzy and this would be harmful for me. And yet ppl keep saying go fir a walk or jogging without saying 'why don't WE jog' instead, they say 'why don't YOU jog'.. I tried, but ended up walking like zombie back home. My eating habits have gone crazy. I end up not eating because 'migraine ppl can't eat this, gastric people can't eat that, athma ppl can't eat those' what is there left for me to eat?!. Soup & plain water? Try having that for every meals more than three days!! I can't ctabd the lighting at work, it gives me super migrine, ironically I have to sit infront of the PC for me to be considered 'at work & working' - I am experiencing meds withdrawal & relapse . And I vow to go through this alone.. 



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