Friday, May 25, 2018


When was my last entry?
Donkey years ago!

Now I am still contemplating on whether I should revamp this blog or leave it as it is.

Anyway, there are loads of things that I want to write about.

Some of the important facts about me that I need to update here.

1. My father passed away. (AL-Fatihah)
2. Divorced - AGAIN
3. Lost my job

All the of the above happened to me in the first four months of 2018.

This is the toughest Ramadhan for me because of the above three and also , yes I am still sick.

I have taken more than 20 types of psychiatric meds. I have lost count.

I guess this is all for tonight ( er, it is 4:02 am)

There's a meeting tomorrow with MIASA and PPUKM
( Will explain later about MIASA)

Before I end this entry.
My latest pic!

Wednesday, May 3, 2017


i am lost. my brain feels as if it is gonna burst. i need to be caged again. i need to go far. leave everyone. good bye.

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Emo lagi

Hari ni aku emo. Aku sakit. Aku gila. Korang ingat best ke?  Takpe la. Aku dok diam korang pijak belakang aku. Aku bukan jenis complain. Aku biar je.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Emo me

Aku duduk termanggu. Mengenangkan nasib yang menyelubungiku. Apakah malangnya hidup ini. Tapi aku tahu. Aku harus bersyukur. Aku masih boleh menghirup udara Allah. Bisa melihat awan dan bulan. Menyebut dua kalimah syahadah. Mendengar laungan azan. Adakah diriku terlalu memikirkan hal duniawi sehingga aku lupa kebesaranNya?  Mengapa suara-suara menyapa menghantui jiwa yang nipis? Mungkin kerna aku tidak bersyukur dan zalim pada diri sendiri?  Manusia mudah leka dengan hal remeh. Sehingga lupa adanya Yang Maha Kuasa. Yang bisa melegakan hati yang gusar. Yang bisa menyenangkan yang susah. Aku hanya manusia biasa yang menagih kasih sayang dari manusia juga. Aku harus keluar dari kotak gelap yang lambat laun akan membinasakan diriku secara senyap. Aku harus bangkit melaungkan kesyukuran kepadaNya. Ya Allah,  lindungilah diriku dari diriku. - sizarifalina 31/3/17-21:20

Thursday, May 1, 2014

out os sight.out of mind.,but

deep inside you know it still exists.

My depression is still in me. Now i am also diagnosed as having a Borderline Personality Disorder. Why aam i being so open about this? won't it ruin my career and life altogether?
Well i do not want to hide it. It is so painful to hide actually. Suffering alone. So now i am in contact with atleast 9 other souls who are diagnised with the same thing.
It is nothing that i am ashamed of. It is a gift. Allah knows best. And this is His wake up call.

Friday, August 9, 2013


Cant say I dont love him
Still I cant pretend
That my heart is torn just knowing that Im losing my bestfriend
If its easier said and done
Then someone tell me why
Though I try,
I cant find the words to say goodbye

I could tell him that I'm sorry
Hope he'll understand
He will have to do with someone else
All that we have planned
I'd rather him hear the truth
Than hurt him with a lie
So I tried,
But I cant find the words to say goodbye

Now I know
I have to go
Theres no other way
But goodbye is not what I can bring myself to say...

If I told him "see you later"
Then I might be wrong
cause this voice inside is driving me
To find where I belong
I know I must leave her now but everytime I try,
Dont know why,
but I cant find the words to say goodbye...
Dont know why,
I cant find the words to say goodbye....


When you wake up
And find me gone tomorrow
Don’t think I meant to hurt you
I just did what we knew I had to do.

And all the time we knew
The time was never right for us
Time to leave this love behind
I could never leave you
Baby if I see you cry

I’ll say good bye for the two of us
Tonight while you sleep
I’ll kiss you softly one last time
And say good-bye

Like I know we must
There’s just no other way
And I couldn’t bear to see your heart break
So I´ll wait till your asleep to say good-bye

Please realize
How hard it is to do this
I’m trying to make it through this
Say good-bye just as gently as I can.

Please try and understand
This time just wasn’t the time for us
We knew I couldn’t stay
But that don’t make it easier to leave you
So while I can find the strength.

I’ll say good bye for the two of us
Tonight while you sleep
I’ll kiss you softly one last time
And say good-bye

Before your arms embrace me
Before your kisses take me
Before your eyes can make me stay

I’ll say good bye for the two of us
Tonight while you sleep
I’ll kiss you softly one last time
And say good-bye

Like I know we must
I´ll wait till you’re asleep
To say good-bye for the two of us
Tonight while you sleep
I´ll kiss you softly one last time
And say good-bye

Like I know we must
There’s just no other way
And I couldn’t bear to see your heart break
So I´ll wait till your asleep to say good-bye

When you wake up
And find me gone tomorrow
Don’t think I meant to hurt you

Good bye 

Monday, September 24, 2012

My first published work! BOLA Antologi Cerpen

Well, I think there was an entry about me winning the Fixi contest.
I submitted 2 certot ( 300 words ) and both won.
The famous Namron was the judge.

( picture taken at Arts for Grabs 22/9/2012)

So I was given the opportunity to write a 'cerpen' .
Among other authors are:- 
Ridhwan Saidi
Nadia Khan
Raja Faisal
 Zara Syed Shafaza
Shaz Johar
Dayang Noor
Syaihan Syafiq

Do grab one on 1st October 2012 via online
For more info

Thursday, July 12, 2012

So sorry for being tardy.

I think it has been ages since I last updated this blog. Well it is due to some personal problems actually plus medical. I am currently suffering some medication withdrawals. Stammering, tremors, my body temperature is kinda weird because I would have these low grade fever , nausea, headaches that would turn to migraine. Basically - withdrawals. I have been goin to the hospital and clinics. But nothing seems to work. I just have to endure the stammering and tremors ( it drains my energy out! ) in the end I choose not to talk much and sleep. If I am awake I would get exhausted easily because I would try to stop the tremors ( and fails badly ) The best way (at the moment) is to stay home. I can still remember my last visit to the hospital, everyone looked at me. It was really embarrassing. I was fidgeting badly and really looked like a Psycho! I decided to sleep on the couch while waiting for my turn. My parents are really sad. I know because they are trying their best to console me when I try to talk. I would end up crying because I would repeat words and get so tired trying to talk. I had to resort to Send SMS to my dad just to have a conversation. One thing I know, I am going to loose my job if I am not cured soon.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

[Bipolar] Quotes About Bipolar

Credits to :

“I'm the girl who is lost in space,
the girl who is disappearing always,
forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background.
Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave,
but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve,
 the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies,
will remain behind as an ironic remnant.
I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party
 someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone.
When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you,
I will no longer be there.
I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union.
Because with every day that goes by,
I feel myself becoming more and more invisible...”

― Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation
“Others imply that they know what it is like to be depressed
 because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone.
But these experiences carry with them feelings.
Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable.
 It is also tiresome.
People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed.
They might think that they ought to, and they might even try,
but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief:
 you are irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and
critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough.
You're frightened, and you're frightening, and you're
"not at all like yourself but will be soon," but you know you won't.”

― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
“There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness,
and terror involved in this kind of madness.
When you're high it's tremendous.
 The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars,
 and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones.
Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there,
the power to captivate others a felt certainty.
There are interests found in uninteresting people.
 Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible.
Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence,
and euphoria pervade one's marrow.
But, somewhere, this changes.
The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many;
overwhelming confusion replaces clarity.
Memory goes.
Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern.
 Everything previously moving with the grain is now against--
you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind.
You never knew those caves were there.
It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.”

― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
“Manic-depression distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviors,
destroys the basis of rational thought, and too often erodes the desire and will to live.
It is an illness that is biological in its origins,
yet one that feels psychological in the experience of it,
 an illness that is unique in conferring advantage and pleasure,
 yet one that brings in its wake almost unendurable suffering
and, not infrequently, suicide.”

― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
When I am high I couldn’t worry about money if I tried.
So I don’t.
The money will come from somewhere;
I am entitled;
 God will provide.
Credit cards are disastrous, personal checks worse.
Unfortunately, for manics anyway, mania is a natural extension of the economy.
What with credit cards and bank accounts there is little beyond reach.
So I bought twelve snakebite kits, with a sense of urgency and importance.
I bought precious stones, elegant and unnecessary furniture,
three watches within an hour of one another
(in the Rolex rather than Timex class:
champagne tastes bubble to the surface, are the surface, in mania),
and totally inappropriate sirenlike clothes.
 During one spree in London I spent several hundred pounds on books
having titles or covers that somehow caught my fancy:
books on the natural history of the mole,
twenty sundry Penguin books because I thought it could be nice
 if the penguins could form a colony.
Once I think I shoplifted a blouse because I could not wait a minute longer
 for the woman-with-molasses feet in front of me in line.
Or maybe I just thought about shoplifting, I don’t remember,
I was totally confused.
 I imagine I must have spent far more than thirty thousand dollars
during my two major manic episodes,
and God only knows how much more
during my frequent milder manias.

But then back on lithium and rotating on the planet at the same pace as everyone else,
you find your credit is decimated,
 your mortification complete: mania is not a luxury one can easily afford.
It is devastating to have the illness and aggravating to have to pay for medications,
blood tests, and psychotherapy.
They, at least, are partially deductible.
But money spent while manic doesn’t fit into t
he Internal Revenue Service concept of medical expense or business loss.
So after mania, when most depressed,
you’re given excellent reason to be even more so.”

― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness


Depression is a painfully slow, crashing death.
Mania is the other extreme, a wild roller coaster run off its tracks,
an eight ball of coke cut with speed.
It's fun and it's frightening as hell.
Some patients - bipolar type I - experience both extremes;
other - bipolar type II - suffer depression almost exclusively.
But the "mixed state," the mercurial churning of both high and low,
is the most dangerous, the most deadly.
Suicide too often results from the impulsive nature
and physical speed of psychotic mania coupled with
depression's paranoid self-loathing.”

― David Lovelace, Scattershot: My Bipolar Family

Friday, April 13, 2012

[Siz] Frankly speaking...

... I do not feel good.

it is as if a catastrophe is going to happen any time soon!

Is somebody going to die?

Am I going to die?


am I going to loose something?

are aliens coming to invade is and declare war?

My goodness the list can go on and on.

I hate it when this feelings come.

It will make me thing of al sorts of unrelated things.

On top of it all, i will become very mood and easily ticked off
[ which I already am]


I am trying to calm myself down without taking any medication.

Hah! who am I trying to fool here?


It is impossible because obviously it has something to do with my imbalanced hormones.

Read  Yassin and a few surahs to sleep last night, hoping that I would be okie by today.

But then, it did not work - YET! cause I am still reciting some Zikirs and Surahs.

At the moment I feel so sleepy.

Must be the Xanax.

but still.

For the past week, without taking any Xanax - i am sleepy 24/7 already.

Okie - Am I thinking too much?

But then the doctor did say yesterday that my blood pressure is quite high.

needs to be monitored.

[p.s : i look fat because i am !]


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