Tuesday, February 8, 2011


It is 2.20am.
I am wide awake.
It is happening again.
The fear to do anything and everything.
I have this strong urge to drive myself to the hospital like I did before.
So many things are in my head.
No one can help me.
Hence , none of my family members know that I am experiencing a relapse.
I am afraid to go to work because I might go berserk like i did today - 
I was home alone , so no one knows.
I fell down last Saturday. So my legs and back hurt like hell.
So now what, should I drive myself back to the hospital?
I need to see my doctor or any doctor to that matter.
When you have voices in your head , you will definitely go out of control.
I do not expect anyone to understand what I am going through.
I nearly stopped working last year.
But i forced myself to continue.
Now I do not know if I can force myself again.
what is happening to me.
Oh great! now I feel dizzy and nausea.
My mood changes 20 times in a minute.
To go and see a doctor at the private hospital would cost me at least rm200 minus the meds.
but to go to the government hospital - they keep changing doctors and I have to unfold my dilemma again and again.
More people will ridicule me , i can feel it. i can foresee it.
especially those who think less of me when they found out that I was admitted.
I am pouring my heart out here to strangers.
Because I am trying me best not to burden people who are close to me.
Judge me for all I care.
Just be grateful that you are NOT ME.

I am going out. Need to get out . Maybe I can clear my head with a night drive.



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