and then she said..

" No one truly understand what I am going through. How I fought daily with depression. One can never understand unless they have experienced it. People kept saying - she is sick all the time. There is not one day when she is not. Maybe she is faking it because she is just plain lazy. I can not really blame them, because they are just plain ignorant and selfish to utter such sentences. But it does hurt when your own flesh and blood says it to your face."


"I have lost friends, but I guess they are not really friends after all. Because they did not accept me for who i am - a very broken person. No one has yet to ask me - how are you today?, how are you feeling today? Is everything ok with your life?. They have a life to lead and they do not want to burden themselves with  my problems."


"At the moment I am experiencing a relapse. I woke up crying with backaches and major headache. The world seems to spin around faster than I can handle. Every minor things seem to have maximized itself. I feel sad , angry and annoyed all at the same time. I am so confused. I can relate to Girl.Interrupted ,One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest....and sometime to those UNSUBS in Criminal Minds. "


"I may look okie on the outside, all smiles and laughing at jokes. But deep down , only I know the pain I am going through"


"The meds I am taking have a lot of side effects. I have to pee like 30 times a day! My waist is very sore. I would loose my appetite and have a huge one in a day."


"People kept saying that I am fat. Don't they know that it hurts me badly when they throw it to my face. I can't help it , because the meds make me eat more.And when i am depressed I tend to stuff my face with FOOD! - if it gets worse i just take my xanax and try to sleep it away"


"Some even said that I must be nuts to be talking to my cats - as if they understand. Yes they do. They are  my good listeners. Kitty would sit close to me when i cry. Jinggo would even lick my face when i cry!. Copy? well she would always make me laugh with her wagging tail"


"Each day I would struggle to go to work and I would struggle again to wait till 430. Not that I do not like the office or what I do. It is because I am stupid enough to be thinking about what people in the office thinks of me. I know some labels that they have pasted on my forehead , way before  I went to work there. Some would talk on and on about 'bad things' that i have done, just to cover their own weaknesses. Hence I only have a handful who are close with me. Who are sincere and willing to get to know me first."


"I was shunned by my ex-schoolmates last year because of this depression. They teased me thinking that it is FUN to look down on people. They ganged up and all.Hmmmmmm. But then , I was not close with them during my school days anyway . I was a Loner back then. Prefer to mind my own business. I did not have any clique or what ever. My family at school was my cheerleaders when I was in Form 5"


"I am tired with people who labels me without getting to know me first"


"So what is going on in my head now? - there are actually two of me inside. One that will keep on being paranoid while the other would console the paranoid me. 
Yes, i would end up talking to myself. When you have two voices in your head you tend to be a bit psycho [ my ex college mates gave me this title ]"


"If you think what I am going through is such a  minor thing, well just put it this way. Some say SPM was difficult and some ACED it. 
So I am saying that my life is difficult . And thank goodness yours  is better and manageable for you"


" Do not worry, I have not, am not and will not curse those people who belittled me all this while. Simply because , we are all human being. Weak ones."


" I will pray that no one will experience what i am going through"


" Get to know a person first!"




-this entry was written under the influence of Xanax , Onadrine & Volteren-