I know…

When something is not right … I know.

I cry everyday … do you know?

There’s nothing I can do … I know.

Your secret is too obvious … do you know?

I am just going to see how long this will last….

Death

Since I know how to think, I have always thought that I would die young and unmarried. But I am turning 44 this year and married. Hmmmmm. Honestly, death has always been in my mind. Morbid right? I am now in the living room at my mom’s. The place where I heard my mom crying out my late father’s name. The place where I heard her say “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

Obviously I am crying right now. My late father passed away on 7/2/2018 and I was the second person to know that he had left us. 

I would be lying if I say that I will be ok when my mom… I don’t think I will be ok. Told my psychiatrist about it. She just said that I have to be prepared and all that. 

And now I am in the living room. My mom is in her room. I can see the door. Only the two of us tonight. I am scared shit.

ATV

I am so proud of my hubby. He drove an ATV. You see, Ejad doesn’t drive or ride a motorcycle. He gets anxious. So when he agreed to go for ATV ride with family, I was shocked . To me, it is a big step for him. 

It was only rm80 (weekend) for a day at Uncle Wong Happy Farm. There are kayaks & pedal boats too. Including a rabbit farm and tortoises. 

My sister and my BIL

Ejad & I 

Fatihah & Luqmann

Tortoises!

My sister & her family 

Will definitely come again when we are at PD! 

For more information: Uncle Wong 

O.D

I went back to the clinic. Was supposedly to be last week but I was too unstable to put my shoes on. So I called up the clinic and postponed the appointment. 

Surprisingly there weren’t much traffic on the road and also in the clinic. I had this book. Read a page. Then I started to feel anxious. Ejad was next to me. My tummy was aching like hell. Not only that, I think it is going to be a ‘heavy flow’ week again. Since after the booster shot, my flow is like a river.

I was second in que. Usually I would be the first but I guess someone was earlier than me. 

Anyway, I told Dr A almost all that had happened since we last met. The dreams, the arguments, the voices, the insecurities… the overdose. I was out last week. Ejad was worried. He tried to bring me to ED but I refused. He knows me too well to force me to go. But he didn’t know that after he rushed back home from work after reading my WhatsApp message… a few days later , I overdosed- TWICE. 

That is my life . It has always been since 2007. The only thing that changed is that I don’t OD as often as I used too. Unfortunately, I had to do it before the voices convince me to jump over the balcony. If I jump, I would definitely be difficult to be identified. 

But the most important thing is that I told her the incident where I was accused by someone ( whom I respected ) of doing something that would never do! The president of an NGO ( someone I know since my college years ) had the audacity to message me and blatantly said horrible things. 

Dear Madam President,

You should have called. Be professional. Ejad & I have been volunteering when the NGO had less than 10 volunteers for goodness sakes! (2017) And now that you have over 1k of volunteers, you just ‘lost’ your common sense? So I have cancelled you off 100% . I am worth more than Whatsapp messages. Fix your ‘new team’ & don’t forget those who have helped you. Now that the OGs are no longer with you , I hope you will realise how much damages you have caused to a lot of people. This incident caused me a lot of emotional feud between me and myself. You should know better. One word to describe you : UNGRATEFUL. Now I know why my many people left and never returned . Whose fault? Only you know the answer because most of them were too scared to tell me what had happened because I was close with you (recently I was informed) When you accidentally sent me a screenshot of the WhatsApp conversation we were at that time, I knew you were too proud. 

I can only pray that no one will have to go through what I did with you. But knowing you…. 

-Siz-

So yeah. The above is among many reasons I went numb and stupid. I was causing a lot of unnecessary stress to Ejad. Alhamdulillah, he understands me enough to know that I am in a ‘phase’ He just nodded when I said that I ODed ( I think he knew ) 

So I picked up myself, spent time with my family and attended my dance class ( yeah! Will blog about it soon) I was in a horrible state. But not as bad as it used to be. I would often, literally zoned out. But this time I was 50/50 . Dr. A said she is glad that I no longer check in on yearly basis. The last time I was warded was after my late father passed away in 2018. 4 years! A big achievement for both of us. 2007-2017. Countless check-ins to the Psy Ward.

Alhamdulillah, I have a good support system

V day !

I am not surprise that Ejad did not realise that yesterday was V day because we have never crlebrated it. 🤣 But since it is his day off, we had a very late lunch. Had to send Blackie for service before we are headed to Port Dickons with the my family soon. I have been anxiously getting prepared for the trip. The kaftans that I bought just for this trip. 🙈 It has been so long since all of us went for a trip together. Years actually. I think the last trip was with my late father and it was to PD too 😉 

Anyway I went to a Muslimah Hair Salon yesterday at TTDI. Surprisingly it was affordable. Definitely going to go there again. 

We stayed up late yesterday. I decided to clear up the  second bedroom. Oh dear! I have so many clothes . Not forgetting the books in my third room. My mini library & Ejad’s gaming room. 

Will be meeting my Dr. A today. Not sure what to say to her because there are too many! Urgh ! I always end up not saying much. I feel insecure now that I am remarried. Haih….

After such a long hiatus.

I am now married to this man , Surizat Amaludin. 

(Ejad Feb 2022)

(Ejad 2017)

Ok am am blogging via a smartphone. So I am not so sure how this would turn out. Anyway , my hubby Ejad is the breadwinner of our small family.

Boy, Girl & Adik.

I am now retired because of obvious reasons. Too sick to be responsible enough to hold a job? Too tired to face people who just don’t care ? My brain malfunctioned after the Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT) ? 

Something happened to me this week. That is the reason I am starting to blog again. Wonder who is reading this blog. If you are, please leave a comment.

(L-R : Tata, Ejad , Me & Kak Ngah)

 I got married during the Covid-19 period. A day before lockdown 2.0 . Fuh! It was a relief actually to be married during a lockdown. 🤣 Seriously! Even though there were a few hurdles that I had to jump alone due to SOPs and all, I am glad that I had Ejad to hang out with during Lockdown 2.0

(Sitting: L-R: Mummy , Aiman , Fatihah, ‘Aisya, Luqman & Anissa - her hubby is not in the picture

Standing : L-R Kak Long , Yaya , Syafiq , Ejad & Me )

Any how, my elder sister , my niece & nephew are back from Melbourne. They couldn’t come back because of Covid-19 . So the picture above is the birthday dinner we had for ‘Aisya at Kak Long’s house. Oja, my nephew-in-law is not in the pic because he was working. 
I am off for now. Lots to write about.