Helping a grieving person

Tip1 : Listen with compassion

Almost everyone worries about what to say to people who are grieving.

But knowing how to listen is much more important.

Oftentimes,

well-meaning people avoid talking about the death or mentioning the deceased person.

However,

the bereaved need to feel that their loss is acknowledged,

it’s not too terrible to talk about, and their loved one won’t be forgotten.

While you should never try to force someone to open up,

it’s important to let the bereaved know they have permission to talk about the loss.

Talk candidly about the person who died

and don’t steer away from the subject if the deceased’s name comes up.

When it seems appropriate, ask sensitive questions – without being nosy – that invite the grieving person to openly express his or her feelings.

Try simply asking, “Do you feel like talking?”

Accept and acknowledge all feelings.

Let the grieving person know that it’s okay to cry in front of you, to get angry, or to break down. Don’t try to reason with them over how they should or shouldn’t feel.

The bereaved should feel

free to express their feelings, without fear of judgment, argument, or criticism.

Be willing to sit in silence.

Don’t press if the grieving person doesn’t feel like talking.

You can offer comfort and support with your silent presence.

If you can’t think of something to say,

just offer eye contact, a squeeze of the hand, or a reassuring hug.

Let the bereaved talk about how their loved one died.

People who are grieving may need to tell the story over and over again,

sometimes in minute detail.

Be patient.

Repeating the story is a way of processing and accepting the death.

With each retelling, the pain lessens.

Offer comfort and reassurance without minimizing the loss.

Tell the bereaved that what they’re feeling is okay.

If you’ve gone through a similar loss, share your own experience if you think it would help. However,

don’t give unsolicited advice, claim to “know” what the person is feeling,

or compare your grief to theirs.

Comments to avoid when comforting the bereaved "I know how you feel."

One can never know how another may feel.

You could, instead, ask your friend to tell you how he or she feels.
"It's part of God's plan."

This phrase can make people angry and they often respond with,

"What plan? Nobody told me about any plan."
"Look at what you have to be thankful for."

They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now they are not important.
"He's in a better place now."

The bereaved may or may not believe this. Keep your beliefs to yourself unless asked.
"This is behind you now; it's time to get on with your life."

Sometimes the bereaved are resistant to getting on with because they feel this means "forgetting" their loved one.

In addition, moving on is easier said than done.

Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace.
Statements that begin with "You should" or "You will."

These statements are too directive.

Instead you could begin your comments with:

"Have you thought about. . ." or "You might. . ."

Source: American Hospice Foundation

Tip 2: Offer practical assistance

It is difficult for many grieving people to ask for help.

They might feel guilty about receiving so much attention,

fear being a burden, or be too depressed to reach out.

You can make it easier for them by making specific suggestions

– such as,

“I’m going to the market this afternoon.

What can I bring you from there?”

or

“I’ve made beef stew for dinner.

When can I come by and bring you some?”

Consistency is very helpful, if you can manage it

– being there for as long as it takes.

This helps the grieving person look forward to your attentiveness

without having to make the additional effort of asking again and again.

You can also convey an open invitation by saying,

“Let me know what I can do,”

which may make a grieving person feel more comfortable about asking for help.

But keep in mind that the bereaved may not have the energy

or motivation to call you when they need something,

so it’s better if you take the initiative to check in.

Be the one who takes the initiative
There are many practical ways you can help a grieving person.

• You can offer to:
  
  Shop for groceries or run errands
  Drop off a casserole or other type of food
  Help with funeral arrangements
  Stay in their home to take phone calls and receive guests
  Help with insurance forms or bills
  Take care of housework, such as cleaning or laundry
  Watch their children or pick them up from school
  Drive them wherever they need to go
  Look after their pets
  Go with them to a support group meeting
  Accompany them on a walk
  Take them to lunch or a movie
  Share an enjoyable activity (game, puzzle, art project)
  

Tip 3: Provide ongoing support

Grieving continues long after the funeral is over

and the cards and flowers have stopped.

The length of the grieving process varies from person to person.

But in general, grief lasts much longer than most people expect.

Your bereaved friend or family member may need your support for months or even years.

Continue your support over the long haul.

Stay in touch with the grieving person,

periodically checking in,

dropping by,

or sending letters or cards.

Your support is more valuable than ever once the funeral is over,

the other mourners are gone, and the initial shock of the loss has worn off.

Don’t make assumptions based on outward appearances.

The bereaved person may look fine on the outside,

while inside he or she is suffering.

Avoid saying things like “You are so strong” or “You look so well.”

This puts pressure on the person to keep up appearances and to hide his or her true feelings.

The pain of bereavement may never fully heal.

Be sensitive to the fact that life may never feel the same.

You don’t “get over” the death of a loved one.

The bereaved person may learn to accept the loss.

The pain may lessen in intensity over time.

But the sadness may never completely go away.

Offer extra support on special days.

Certain times and days of the year will be particularly hard

for your grieving friend or family member.

Holidays, family milestones, birthdays, and anniversaries often reawaken grief.

Be sensitive on these occasions.

Let the bereaved person know that you’re there for whatever he or she needs.

Tip 4: Watch for warning signs

It’s common for a grieving person to feel depressed, confused,

disconnected from others,

or like they’re going crazy.

But if the bereaved person’s symptoms don’t gradually start to fade

– or they get worse with time –

this may be a sign that normal grief has evolved into a more serious problem,

such as clinical depression.

Encourage the grieving person to seek professional help

if you observe any of the following warning signs after the initial grieving period

– especially if it’s been over two months since the death.

Difficulty functioning in daily life
Extreme focus on the death
Excessive bitterness, anger, or guilt
Neglecting personal hygiene
Alcohol or drug abuse
Inability to enjoy life
Hallucinations
Withdrawing from others
Constant feelings of hopelessness
Talking about dying or suicide

It can be tricky to bring up your concerns to the bereaved person.

You don’t want to perceived as invasive.

Instead of telling the person what to do, try stating your own feelings:

“I am troubled by the fact that you aren’t sleeping –

perhaps you should look into getting help.”

Take talk of suicide very seriously

If a grieving friend or family member talks about suicide,

get professional help right away.

IN A LIFE-THREATENING EMERGENCY, CALL 911.

To learn more about the warning signs, see Understanding and Helping the Suicidal Person.

Supporting a child through grief and bereavement
Even very young children feel the pain of bereavement,

but they learn how to express their grief by watching the adults around them.

After a loss

– particularly of a sibling or parent –

children need support, stability, and honesty.

They may also need extra reassurance that they will be cared for and kept safe.

As an adult,

you can support children through the grieving process by demonstrating

that it’s okay to be sad and helping them make sense of the loss.

Answer any questions the child may have as truthfully as you can.

Use very simple, honest, and concrete terms when explaining death to a child.

Children, especially young children,

may blame themselves for what happened and the truth helps them see they are not at fault.

Open communication will smooth the way for a child to express distressing feelings.

Because children often express themselves through stories, games and artwork,

encourage this self-expression, and look for clues in those activities about how they are coping.

How to help a grieving child:
Allow your child, however young, to attend the funeral if he or she wants to.
Convey your spiritual values about life and death, or pray with your child.
Meet regularly as a family to find out how everyone is coping.
Help children find ways to symbolize and memorialize the deceased person.
Keep your child’s daily routine as normal as possible.
Pay attention to the way a child plays;

this can be one of a child’s primary ways of communicating.

What not to do:
Don’t force a child to publicly mourn if he or she doesn’t want to.
Don’t give false or confusing messages, like “Grandma is sleeping now.”
Don’t tell a child to stop crying because others might get upset.
Don’t try to shield a child from the loss.

Children pick up on much more than adults realize.

Including them in the grieving process will help them adapt and heal.
Don’t stifle your tears;

By crying in front of your child,

you send the message that it’s okay for him or her to express feelings, too.
Do not turn your child into your personal confidante;

rely on another adult or a support group instead.

Source --- > http://www.helpguide.org/mental/helping_grieving.html

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