PSY WARD tonight?

Hmmm TBH, mixed feelings about getting myself admitted tonight . It has been 4 years since my last admission . So I wonder how it would be like there. Still the same? More forbidden items? More rules ? I am just bringing things that I always did. Loads of books & a journal. Not sure about colouring books yet. Too many things at the moment. Ejad will bring my food tomorrow during his visit. Maybe I should let him bring the books tomorrow . Because I have the feeling that the nurses would complain because I am practically bringing 10 books 😅. Yeah need to discuss it with Ejad before we leave for PPUM later tonight. 

12/10/2020

The day we got married was a day before his birthday and two days before mine. Yup we are both Libras.

I knew that he is different from all the guys/men I have ever met. This is my third marriage. Third time the charm right? So at last I get to experience what marriage life is. It is definitely different than my first two. I am not gonna elaborate on those two people who did not stand up for me. 

Alhamdulillah , I met my husband. A gentleman , who is 11 years younger than me. It is like more than a decade of difference. We talk and discuss on things that are important for a married couples to stay together and be in love forever. 

Both of us learn things about life together. This is something that keep our relationship stronger. 

There are more things that I want to write. 

Will update later ya! 

I dunno..

I have this strong feeling that I going to be paralysed waist down. The pain is unbearable . I cry each night. So I guess the psychiatric meds did nothing to my kidney but it messed up with my muscles & nerves. Every night is like a battle for me. I can’t sleep because of the pain. I would end up taking double doasage . Yeah, OD again and again. I can hardly read and books. But with all the deadlines, I must finish the books. I pity my cats. I know that they miss me a lot. Boy would scream in front of the closed door, wanting to come in (or wet food)

I know Ejad is lost. He doesn’t know what to do. All he can do is be there for me when I am in pain. Which is more enough actually.

End of this month , we will be going to Selayang Hospital to meet an Orthopaedic. 

I dunno..

I have this strong feeling that I going to be paralysed waist down. The pain is unbearable . I cry each night. So I guess the psychiatric meds did nothing to my kidney but it messed up with my muscles & nerves. Every night is like a battle for me. I can’t sleep because of the pain. I would end up taking double doasage . Yeah, OD again and again. I can hardly read and books. But with all the deadlines, I must finish the books. I pity my cats. I know that they miss me a lot. Boy would scream in front of the closed door, wanting to come in (or wet food)

I know Ejad is lost. He doesn’t know what to do. All he can do is be there for me when I am in pain. Which is more enough actually.

End of this month , we will be going to Selayang Hospital to meet an Orthopaedic. 

Crying

I’ve never woke up crying. Today it happened. I found myself crying when I opened my eyes. I dreamt that I was with my late father. My late father passed away in February 2018. My psychiatrist said I have not properly gone through the grieving stages. That is why I am kinda stuck. I know why. The morning my father passed away, I was crying. A relative sort of shouted at me and said stop crying! I stopped and did not cry for months after that. That is something you shouldn’t do, forcing people not to cry when he/she just lost someone. The damage is long term.

Alhamdulillah

It was an excruciating back pain. My legs were numb. My wasit was the worst. Shoulder blade was cramp. My whole body was experiencing muscle cramps. I cried alot. So we decided to get me a CT Scan. 

At first Dr M wanted three parts of my back to be scanned but due to radiations, I could only do two parts.

I was anxious as always. Did two CT Scars before for my migraine. It was not a great experience as it took such a long time. The sound of the CT Scan machine was so loud.

Alhamdulillah , the CT Scan at Lifecare was practically soundless. It took about 45 minutes for both parts. But when I had to place my hands above my head, it was painful and my left arm went numb. My shoulder blade went stiff. 

We had lunch while waiting for the result.

Alhamdulillah , Dr M told me that it wasn’t slip disc. Mummy and I were so worried that it might be because the symptoms were there. But I do have Cronic Sinus and some of my backbones were smaller than normal. So I need to take some meds. 

I guess the muscle cramps are the side effects of Seroquel that I have been taking for years. Yes the side effects are still there. After the Covid-19 Booster shot, the cramps got worst.

I needed to ‘celebrate’ . So we went to Kinokuniya 🙈 

I asked Ejad if I can buy a book. Only one. He said ok. Then when I showed him the book that I wanted, he said he knew it would be that book.

Before this, Junji Ito’s Mangas were out of stock. I have been looking for No Longer Human for ages. It was available! But the price made me think many times. But Ejad being Ejad said “Buy it” So I went back happy with the book in hand. 

I know…

When something is not right … I know.

I cry everyday … do you know?

There’s nothing I can do … I know.

Your secret is too obvious … do you know?

I am just going to see how long this will last….

Death

Since I know how to think, I have always thought that I would die young and unmarried. But I am turning 44 this year and married. Hmmmmm. Honestly, death has always been in my mind. Morbid right? I am now in the living room at my mom’s. The place where I heard my mom crying out my late father’s name. The place where I heard her say “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

Obviously I am crying right now. My late father passed away on 7/2/2018 and I was the second person to know that he had left us. 

I would be lying if I say that I will be ok when my mom… I don’t think I will be ok. Told my psychiatrist about it. She just said that I have to be prepared and all that. 

And now I am in the living room. My mom is in her room. I can see the door. Only the two of us tonight. I am scared shit.

ATV

I am so proud of my hubby. He drove an ATV. You see, Ejad doesn’t drive or ride a motorcycle. He gets anxious. So when he agreed to go for ATV ride with family, I was shocked . To me, it is a big step for him. 

It was only rm80 (weekend) for a day at Uncle Wong Happy Farm. There are kayaks & pedal boats too. Including a rabbit farm and tortoises. 

My sister and my BIL

Ejad & I 

Fatihah & Luqmann

Tortoises!

My sister & her family 

Will definitely come again when we are at PD! 

For more information: Uncle Wong 

O.D

I went back to the clinic. Was supposedly to be last week but I was too unstable to put my shoes on. So I called up the clinic and postponed the appointment. 

Surprisingly there weren’t much traffic on the road and also in the clinic. I had this book. Read a page. Then I started to feel anxious. Ejad was next to me. My tummy was aching like hell. Not only that, I think it is going to be a ‘heavy flow’ week again. Since after the booster shot, my flow is like a river.

I was second in que. Usually I would be the first but I guess someone was earlier than me. 

Anyway, I told Dr A almost all that had happened since we last met. The dreams, the arguments, the voices, the insecurities… the overdose. I was out last week. Ejad was worried. He tried to bring me to ED but I refused. He knows me too well to force me to go. But he didn’t know that after he rushed back home from work after reading my WhatsApp message… a few days later , I overdosed- TWICE. 

That is my life . It has always been since 2007. The only thing that changed is that I don’t OD as often as I used too. Unfortunately, I had to do it before the voices convince me to jump over the balcony. If I jump, I would definitely be difficult to be identified. 

But the most important thing is that I told her the incident where I was accused by someone ( whom I respected ) of doing something that would never do! The president of an NGO ( someone I know since my college years ) had the audacity to message me and blatantly said horrible things. 

Dear Madam President,

You should have called. Be professional. Ejad & I have been volunteering when the NGO had less than 10 volunteers for goodness sakes! (2017) And now that you have over 1k of volunteers, you just ‘lost’ your common sense? So I have cancelled you off 100% . I am worth more than Whatsapp messages. Fix your ‘new team’ & don’t forget those who have helped you. Now that the OGs are no longer with you , I hope you will realise how much damages you have caused to a lot of people. This incident caused me a lot of emotional feud between me and myself. You should know better. One word to describe you : UNGRATEFUL. Now I know why my many people left and never returned . Whose fault? Only you know the answer because most of them were too scared to tell me what had happened because I was close with you (recently I was informed) When you accidentally sent me a screenshot of the WhatsApp conversation we were at that time, I knew you were too proud. 

I can only pray that no one will have to go through what I did with you. But knowing you…. 

-Siz-

So yeah. The above is among many reasons I went numb and stupid. I was causing a lot of unnecessary stress to Ejad. Alhamdulillah, he understands me enough to know that I am in a ‘phase’ He just nodded when I said that I ODed ( I think he knew ) 

So I picked up myself, spent time with my family and attended my dance class ( yeah! Will blog about it soon) I was in a horrible state. But not as bad as it used to be. I would often, literally zoned out. But this time I was 50/50 . Dr. A said she is glad that I no longer check in on yearly basis. The last time I was warded was after my late father passed away in 2018. 4 years! A big achievement for both of us. 2007-2017. Countless check-ins to the Psy Ward.

Alhamdulillah, I have a good support system

V day !

I am not surprise that Ejad did not realise that yesterday was V day because we have never crlebrated it. 🤣 But since it is his day off, we had a very late lunch. Had to send Blackie for service before we are headed to Port Dickons with the my family soon. I have been anxiously getting prepared for the trip. The kaftans that I bought just for this trip. 🙈 It has been so long since all of us went for a trip together. Years actually. I think the last trip was with my late father and it was to PD too 😉 

Anyway I went to a Muslimah Hair Salon yesterday at TTDI. Surprisingly it was affordable. Definitely going to go there again. 

We stayed up late yesterday. I decided to clear up the  second bedroom. Oh dear! I have so many clothes . Not forgetting the books in my third room. My mini library & Ejad’s gaming room. 

Will be meeting my Dr. A today. Not sure what to say to her because there are too many! Urgh ! I always end up not saying much. I feel insecure now that I am remarried. Haih….

After such a long hiatus.

I am now married to this man , Surizat Amaludin. 

(Ejad Feb 2022)

(Ejad 2017)

Ok am am blogging via a smartphone. So I am not so sure how this would turn out. Anyway , my hubby Ejad is the breadwinner of our small family.

Boy, Girl & Adik.

I am now retired because of obvious reasons. Too sick to be responsible enough to hold a job? Too tired to face people who just don’t care ? My brain malfunctioned after the Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT) ? 

Something happened to me this week. That is the reason I am starting to blog again. Wonder who is reading this blog. If you are, please leave a comment.

(L-R : Tata, Ejad , Me & Kak Ngah)

 I got married during the Covid-19 period. A day before lockdown 2.0 . Fuh! It was a relief actually to be married during a lockdown. 🤣 Seriously! Even though there were a few hurdles that I had to jump alone due to SOPs and all, I am glad that I had Ejad to hang out with during Lockdown 2.0

(Sitting: L-R: Mummy , Aiman , Fatihah, ‘Aisya, Luqman & Anissa - her hubby is not in the picture

Standing : L-R Kak Long , Yaya , Syafiq , Ejad & Me )

Any how, my elder sister , my niece & nephew are back from Melbourne. They couldn’t come back because of Covid-19 . So the picture above is the birthday dinner we had for ‘Aisya at Kak Long’s house. Oja, my nephew-in-law is not in the pic because he was working. 
I am off for now. Lots to write about. 

Whoa!

When was my last entry?
Donkey years ago!
OMG!

Now I am still contemplating on whether I should revamp this blog or leave it as it is.

Anyway, there are loads of things that I want to write about.

Some of the important facts about me that I need to update here.

1. My father passed away. (AL-Fatihah)
2. Divorced - AGAIN
3. Lost my job

All the of the above happened to me in the first four months of 2018.

This is the toughest Ramadhan for me because of the above three and also , yes I am still sick.

I have taken more than 20 types of psychiatric meds.

Warded...er I have lost count.

I guess this is all for tonight ( er, it is 4:02 am)

There's a meeting tomorrow with MIASA and PPUKM
( Will explain later about MIASA)

Before I end this entry.
My latest pic!

lost

i am lost. my brain feels as if it is gonna burst. i need to be caged again. i need to go far. leave everyone. good bye.

Emo lagi

Hari ni aku emo. Aku sakit. Aku gila. Korang ingat best ke?  Takpe la. Aku dok diam korang pijak belakang aku. Aku bukan jenis complain. Aku biar je.

Emo me

Aku duduk termanggu. Mengenangkan nasib yang menyelubungiku. Apakah malangnya hidup ini. Tapi aku tahu. Aku harus bersyukur. Aku masih boleh menghirup udara Allah. Bisa melihat awan dan bulan. Menyebut dua kalimah syahadah. Mendengar laungan azan. Adakah diriku terlalu memikirkan hal duniawi sehingga aku lupa kebesaranNya?  Mengapa suara-suara menyapa menghantui jiwa yang nipis? Mungkin kerna aku tidak bersyukur dan zalim pada diri sendiri?  Manusia mudah leka dengan hal remeh. Sehingga lupa adanya Yang Maha Kuasa. Yang bisa melegakan hati yang gusar. Yang bisa menyenangkan yang susah. Aku hanya manusia biasa yang menagih kasih sayang dari manusia juga. Aku harus keluar dari kotak gelap yang lambat laun akan membinasakan diriku secara senyap. Aku harus bangkit melaungkan kesyukuran kepadaNya. Ya Allah,  lindungilah diriku dari diriku. - sizarifalina 31/3/17-21:20

out os sight.out of mind.,but

deep inside you know it still exists.

My depression is still in me. Now i am also diagnosed as having a Borderline Personality Disorder. Why aam i being so open about this? won't it ruin my career and life altogether?
Well i do not want to hide it. It is so painful to hide actually. Suffering alone. So now i am in contact with atleast 9 other souls who are diagnised with the same thing.
It is nothing that i am ashamed of. It is a gift. Allah knows best. And this is His wake up call.

My first published work! BOLA Antologi Cerpen

Well, I think there was an entry about me winning the Fixi contest.
I submitted 2 certot ( 300 words ) and both won.
The famous Namron was the judge.

( picture taken at Arts for Grabs 22/9/2012)

So I was given the opportunity to write a 'cerpen' .

Among other authors are:- 

Ridhwan Saidi

Nadia Khan

Raja Faisal

 Zara Syed Shafaza

Shaz Johar

Dayang Noor

Syaihan Syafiq

Do grab one on 1st October 2012 via online
For more info https://www.facebook.com/BukuCeprenBola

So sorry for being tardy.

I think it has been ages since I last updated this blog. Well it is due to some personal problems actually plus medical. I am currently suffering some medication withdrawals. Stammering, tremors, my body temperature is kinda weird because I would have these low grade fever , nausea, headaches that would turn to migraine. Basically - withdrawals. I have been goin to the hospital and clinics. But nothing seems to work. I just have to endure the stammering and tremors ( it drains my energy out! ) in the end I choose not to talk much and sleep. If I am awake I would get exhausted easily because I would try to stop the tremors ( and fails badly ) The best way (at the moment) is to stay home. I can still remember my last visit to the hospital, everyone looked at me. It was really embarrassing. I was fidgeting badly and really looked like a Psycho! I decided to sleep on the couch while waiting for my turn. My parents are really sad. I know because they are trying their best to console me when I try to talk. I would end up crying because I would repeat words and get so tired trying to talk. I had to resort to Send SMS to my dad just to have a conversation. One thing I know, I am going to loose my job if I am not cured soon.

[Bipolar] Quotes About Bipolar

Credits to : http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/bipolar?id=bipolar

“I'm the girl who is lost in space,
the girl who is disappearing always,
forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background.
Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave,
but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve,
 the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies,
will remain behind as an ironic remnant.
I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party
 someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone.
When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you,
I will no longer be there.
I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union.
Because with every day that goes by,
I feel myself becoming more and more invisible...”


― Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
“Others imply that they know what it is like to be depressed
 because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone.
But these experiences carry with them feelings.
Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable.
 It is also tiresome.
People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed.
They might think that they ought to, and they might even try,
but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief:
 you are irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and
critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough.
You're frightened, and you're frightening, and you're
"not at all like yourself but will be soon," but you know you won't.”


― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
“There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness,
and terror involved in this kind of madness.
When you're high it's tremendous.
 The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars,
 and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones.
Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there,
the power to captivate others a felt certainty.
There are interests found in uninteresting people.
 Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible.
Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence,
and euphoria pervade one's marrow.
But, somewhere, this changes.
The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many;
overwhelming confusion replaces clarity.
Memory goes.
Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern.
 Everything previously moving with the grain is now against--
you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind.
You never knew those caves were there.
It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.”


― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
“Manic-depression distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviors,
destroys the basis of rational thought, and too often erodes the desire and will to live.
It is an illness that is biological in its origins,
yet one that feels psychological in the experience of it,
 an illness that is unique in conferring advantage and pleasure,
 yet one that brings in its wake almost unendurable suffering
and, not infrequently, suicide.”


― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
“When I am high I couldn’t worry about money if I tried.
So I don’t.
The money will come from somewhere;
I am entitled;
 God will provide.
Credit cards are disastrous, personal checks worse.
Unfortunately, for manics anyway, mania is a natural extension of the economy.
What with credit cards and bank accounts there is little beyond reach.
So I bought twelve snakebite kits, with a sense of urgency and importance.
I bought precious stones, elegant and unnecessary furniture,
three watches within an hour of one another
(in the Rolex rather than Timex class:
champagne tastes bubble to the surface, are the surface, in mania),
and totally inappropriate sirenlike clothes.
 During one spree in London I spent several hundred pounds on books
having titles or covers that somehow caught my fancy:
books on the natural history of the mole,
twenty sundry Penguin books because I thought it could be nice
 if the penguins could form a colony.
Once I think I shoplifted a blouse because I could not wait a minute longer
 for the woman-with-molasses feet in front of me in line.
Or maybe I just thought about shoplifting, I don’t remember,
I was totally confused.
 I imagine I must have spent far more than thirty thousand dollars
during my two major manic episodes,
and God only knows how much more
during my frequent milder manias.



But then back on lithium and rotating on the planet at the same pace as everyone else,
you find your credit is decimated,
 your mortification complete: mania is not a luxury one can easily afford.
It is devastating to have the illness and aggravating to have to pay for medications,
blood tests, and psychotherapy.
They, at least, are partially deductible.
But money spent while manic doesn’t fit into t
he Internal Revenue Service concept of medical expense or business loss.
So after mania, when most depressed,
you’re given excellent reason to be even more so.”

― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


“Depression is a painfully slow, crashing death.
Mania is the other extreme, a wild roller coaster run off its tracks,
an eight ball of coke cut with speed.
It's fun and it's frightening as hell.
Some patients - bipolar type I - experience both extremes;
other - bipolar type II - suffer depression almost exclusively.
But the "mixed state," the mercurial churning of both high and low,
is the most dangerous, the most deadly.
Suicide too often results from the impulsive nature
and physical speed of psychotic mania coupled with
depression's paranoid self-loathing.”


― David Lovelace, Scattershot: My Bipolar Family