PSY WARD tonight?

Hmmm TBH, mixed feelings about getting myself admitted tonight . It has been 4 years since my last admission . So I wonder how it would be like there. Still the same? More forbidden items? More rules ? I am just bringing things that I always did. Loads of books & a journal. Not sure about colouring books yet. Too many things at the moment. Ejad will bring my food tomorrow during his visit. Maybe I should let him bring the books tomorrow . Because I have the feeling that the nurses would complain because I am practically bringing 10 books 😅. Yeah need to discuss it with Ejad before we leave for PPUM later tonight. 

12/10/2020

The day we got married was a day before his birthday and two days before mine. Yup we are both Libras.

I knew that he is different from all the guys/men I have ever met. This is my third marriage. Third time the charm right? So at last I get to experience what marriage life is. It is definitely different than my first two. I am not gonna elaborate on those two people who did not stand up for me. 

Alhamdulillah , I met my husband. A gentleman , who is 11 years younger than me. It is like more than a decade of difference. We talk and discuss on things that are important for a married couples to stay together and be in love forever. 

Both of us learn things about life together. This is something that keep our relationship stronger. 

There are more things that I want to write. 

Will update later ya! 

I dunno..

I have this strong feeling that I going to be paralysed waist down. The pain is unbearable . I cry each night. So I guess the psychiatric meds did nothing to my kidney but it messed up with my muscles & nerves. Every night is like a battle for me. I can’t sleep because of the pain. I would end up taking double doasage . Yeah, OD again and again. I can hardly read and books. But with all the deadlines, I must finish the books. I pity my cats. I know that they miss me a lot. Boy would scream in front of the closed door, wanting to come in (or wet food)

I know Ejad is lost. He doesn’t know what to do. All he can do is be there for me when I am in pain. Which is more enough actually.

End of this month , we will be going to Selayang Hospital to meet an Orthopaedic. 

I dunno..

I have this strong feeling that I going to be paralysed waist down. The pain is unbearable . I cry each night. So I guess the psychiatric meds did nothing to my kidney but it messed up with my muscles & nerves. Every night is like a battle for me. I can’t sleep because of the pain. I would end up taking double doasage . Yeah, OD again and again. I can hardly read and books. But with all the deadlines, I must finish the books. I pity my cats. I know that they miss me a lot. Boy would scream in front of the closed door, wanting to come in (or wet food)

I know Ejad is lost. He doesn’t know what to do. All he can do is be there for me when I am in pain. Which is more enough actually.

End of this month , we will be going to Selayang Hospital to meet an Orthopaedic. 

Crying

I’ve never woke up crying. Today it happened. I found myself crying when I opened my eyes. I dreamt that I was with my late father. My late father passed away in February 2018. My psychiatrist said I have not properly gone through the grieving stages. That is why I am kinda stuck. I know why. The morning my father passed away, I was crying. A relative sort of shouted at me and said stop crying! I stopped and did not cry for months after that. That is something you shouldn’t do, forcing people not to cry when he/she just lost someone. The damage is long term.

Alhamdulillah

It was an excruciating back pain. My legs were numb. My wasit was the worst. Shoulder blade was cramp. My whole body was experiencing muscle cramps. I cried alot. So we decided to get me a CT Scan. 

At first Dr M wanted three parts of my back to be scanned but due to radiations, I could only do two parts.

I was anxious as always. Did two CT Scars before for my migraine. It was not a great experience as it took such a long time. The sound of the CT Scan machine was so loud.

Alhamdulillah , the CT Scan at Lifecare was practically soundless. It took about 45 minutes for both parts. But when I had to place my hands above my head, it was painful and my left arm went numb. My shoulder blade went stiff. 

We had lunch while waiting for the result.

Alhamdulillah , Dr M told me that it wasn’t slip disc. Mummy and I were so worried that it might be because the symptoms were there. But I do have Cronic Sinus and some of my backbones were smaller than normal. So I need to take some meds. 

I guess the muscle cramps are the side effects of Seroquel that I have been taking for years. Yes the side effects are still there. After the Covid-19 Booster shot, the cramps got worst.

I needed to ‘celebrate’ . So we went to Kinokuniya 🙈 

I asked Ejad if I can buy a book. Only one. He said ok. Then when I showed him the book that I wanted, he said he knew it would be that book.

Before this, Junji Ito’s Mangas were out of stock. I have been looking for No Longer Human for ages. It was available! But the price made me think many times. But Ejad being Ejad said “Buy it” So I went back happy with the book in hand. 

I know…

When something is not right … I know.

I cry everyday … do you know?

There’s nothing I can do … I know.

Your secret is too obvious … do you know?

I am just going to see how long this will last….

Death

Since I know how to think, I have always thought that I would die young and unmarried. But I am turning 44 this year and married. Hmmmmm. Honestly, death has always been in my mind. Morbid right? I am now in the living room at my mom’s. The place where I heard my mom crying out my late father’s name. The place where I heard her say “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

Obviously I am crying right now. My late father passed away on 7/2/2018 and I was the second person to know that he had left us. 

I would be lying if I say that I will be ok when my mom… I don’t think I will be ok. Told my psychiatrist about it. She just said that I have to be prepared and all that. 

And now I am in the living room. My mom is in her room. I can see the door. Only the two of us tonight. I am scared shit.

ATV

I am so proud of my hubby. He drove an ATV. You see, Ejad doesn’t drive or ride a motorcycle. He gets anxious. So when he agreed to go for ATV ride with family, I was shocked . To me, it is a big step for him. 

It was only rm80 (weekend) for a day at Uncle Wong Happy Farm. There are kayaks & pedal boats too. Including a rabbit farm and tortoises. 

My sister and my BIL

Ejad & I 

Fatihah & Luqmann

Tortoises!

My sister & her family 

Will definitely come again when we are at PD! 

For more information: Uncle Wong 

O.D

I went back to the clinic. Was supposedly to be last week but I was too unstable to put my shoes on. So I called up the clinic and postponed the appointment. 

Surprisingly there weren’t much traffic on the road and also in the clinic. I had this book. Read a page. Then I started to feel anxious. Ejad was next to me. My tummy was aching like hell. Not only that, I think it is going to be a ‘heavy flow’ week again. Since after the booster shot, my flow is like a river.

I was second in que. Usually I would be the first but I guess someone was earlier than me. 

Anyway, I told Dr A almost all that had happened since we last met. The dreams, the arguments, the voices, the insecurities… the overdose. I was out last week. Ejad was worried. He tried to bring me to ED but I refused. He knows me too well to force me to go. But he didn’t know that after he rushed back home from work after reading my WhatsApp message… a few days later , I overdosed- TWICE. 

That is my life . It has always been since 2007. The only thing that changed is that I don’t OD as often as I used too. Unfortunately, I had to do it before the voices convince me to jump over the balcony. If I jump, I would definitely be difficult to be identified. 

But the most important thing is that I told her the incident where I was accused by someone ( whom I respected ) of doing something that would never do! The president of an NGO ( someone I know since my college years ) had the audacity to message me and blatantly said horrible things. 

Dear Madam President,

You should have called. Be professional. Ejad & I have been volunteering when the NGO had less than 10 volunteers for goodness sakes! (2017) And now that you have over 1k of volunteers, you just ‘lost’ your common sense? So I have cancelled you off 100% . I am worth more than Whatsapp messages. Fix your ‘new team’ & don’t forget those who have helped you. Now that the OGs are no longer with you , I hope you will realise how much damages you have caused to a lot of people. This incident caused me a lot of emotional feud between me and myself. You should know better. One word to describe you : UNGRATEFUL. Now I know why my many people left and never returned . Whose fault? Only you know the answer because most of them were too scared to tell me what had happened because I was close with you (recently I was informed) When you accidentally sent me a screenshot of the WhatsApp conversation we were at that time, I knew you were too proud. 

I can only pray that no one will have to go through what I did with you. But knowing you…. 

-Siz-

So yeah. The above is among many reasons I went numb and stupid. I was causing a lot of unnecessary stress to Ejad. Alhamdulillah, he understands me enough to know that I am in a ‘phase’ He just nodded when I said that I ODed ( I think he knew ) 

So I picked up myself, spent time with my family and attended my dance class ( yeah! Will blog about it soon) I was in a horrible state. But not as bad as it used to be. I would often, literally zoned out. But this time I was 50/50 . Dr. A said she is glad that I no longer check in on yearly basis. The last time I was warded was after my late father passed away in 2018. 4 years! A big achievement for both of us. 2007-2017. Countless check-ins to the Psy Ward.

Alhamdulillah, I have a good support system