Friday, April 4, 2014

Baby Steps

It is now the fourth month of 2014. I am here. Alive.
Alhamdulillah. No doubt I went through a lot of obstacles during the first 3
months of 2014. I think the person I must thank is my hubby. For being there
for me when I was not ‘there and alive’. I walked unconsciously from my
apartment to my parents’ house. That is about 5 km at night. It was a terrifying
experience for my family to find me half conscious and half sane at the gate.
My youngest niece is still having second thoughts when she sees me nowadays. I
can’t recall what really happened that night. But I was told that I was a ‘monster’.
I feel sad and confused at the same time after hearing from my family members
that I was ‘impossible’. Now I am being attacked by all sides, by all possible
people that are connected to me. In the end people start to loose respect
towards me and refuses to believe in what I have to say to defend myself. The
pills are drugs that are meant to control my hormones. But in the end it turned
into poison. It made me go totally insane and a moron. I am not proud of it. So
what I want to say is that, if you are having this itch of taking any
clonazepam/Lexapro/pristiq/etc… think twice (or more) . My body is filth with
chemicals that would make me go blank and have the urge to jump off the balcony
(or walk to my parents’) Now I am twitching here and there. I have no control
over my own body. My hand would suddenly make these weird movements and my legs
would suddenly kick! My head would look to the left or right, up or down
without my intention to do so. To make the matter worst. I am gaining weight. (I
guess the 5km walk should be 3 times a week- at least but with my hubby by my
side) My cravings are insane. Poor hubby, he has to listen and comfort me when
these weird cravings for food occurs (I am not pregnant- can’t conceive , so
don’t ask me if I am pregnant or not) Mow I tend to keep my problems to myself
or I would confide with my hubby. Even my bff has no clue of what is going on
sometimes. During those sane days ago, I would be up and about. Attending
social events and bazaars, but now I can be considered as a recluse. I prefer
to watch TV series on my MacBook. No TV! No books too! Now that is weird. For
those who know my favorite authors would find this bizarre. Baby steps. That
is what I am telling myself nowadays. I need to get myself back. Regain my confidence
that was shattered throughout the past 7 years. Be in control (of myself – not Queen
Control LAH!) I am starting to read non-fiction to brainwash myself into
becoming a better Muslim and a better human (definitely a better wife and
daughter too!) Please help me. I need your support too! Thank You in advance

loveNmarriage

World Wide Web